If databases were rappers (thoughts from a Generative AI)
If databases were rappers (thoughts from a Generative AI)
Can you relate to these?
Following from my previous posts where we explored what generative AI thinks cloud platforms and programming languages would be like if they were people, I decided to do something similar but a bit different.
As a Hip-hop fan, I know each rapper has a certain aura about them and a history of success and failures. They have periods of becoming “pop” or periods of being underground. I asked a Generative AI to bridge the gap between my world as a hip-hop fan and my professional world in data. Here is what it thinks of 90s databases as rappers.
1. Oracle is The Notorious B.I.G.
The Persona: The King of New York (and the Enterprise). Massive, expensive, and radiating “Big Poppa” energy.
The Tech Parallel: In the 90s, Oracle was the undisputed heavyweight. It was the most powerful and flamboyant database on the market. However, like Biggie, it was synonymous with “Mo Money Mo Problems”—if you wanted that top-tier performance, you had to pay the “Biggie” tax. Running on Oracle was a status symbol for any 90s corporation.
2. IBM DB2 is Nas
The Persona: The “Illmatic” lyricist. Deeply technical, incredibly dense, and respected by the most hardcore purists.
The Tech Parallel: While Oracle was the “pop” star of the enterprise world, DB2 was for the technical elites. Built on the research of Codd and IBM labs, it prioritised the “purest” form of the craft. Much like Nas’s complex internal rhyme schemes, DB2’s indexing and optimization engines were a masterclass in complexity. It didn’t need the flash; the performance bars spoke for themselves.
Nas in the 2020s is exactly like IBM DB2 in the modern enterprise: a foundation laid in the 90s that everyone assumed would be replaced by ‘newer, shinier’ things, yet here it is, still running the most critical workloads on the planet.
3. SQL Server is Ice Cube
The “Group” Era (N.W.A / Sybase): Just as Ice Cube started in N.W.A, SQL Server started its life as a port of Sybase SQL Server. Microsoft was the “lyrical contributor” that eventually went solo to build its own empire.
Ice Cube recognized that his original fanbase from the early 90s had grown up and were now parents themselves. He wanted to make movies that his own children and his fans’ children could enjoy. Like Ice Cube, SQL Server became the “everyman’s” database, and family name.
4. Microsoft Access is MC Hammer
The Persona: The massive crossover hit that everyone knew, even if the “hardcore” heads didn’t respect it as much.
The Tech Parallel: “U Can’t Touch This” (quite literally, because the .mdb file is usually locked by another user). Access brought data to the masses, putting it on every desktop in the mid-90s. It wasn’t a “hardcore” enterprise engine, but it was flashy, ubiquitous, and sold millions.
Since you made it this far, you deserve a bonus AI generated song by MS Hammer. Enjoy!
For all those database people who also appreciate hip-hop music (who knows how many of us there are?), do these resonate with your instincts? Or is this just a hallucination?
Shout outs
An encore performance of this blog post might be due with my friend Jacob requesting artists like Redis Man and Postgres Malone be covered.